


Insane and Rising

by dapatty, RubyTuesday5681



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Band Break Up, Break Up, Community: pod-together, Complete, Dreams, Drinking, Drunkenness, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hiking, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Memories, Non-Linear Narrative, Ocean, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Pining, Podfic, Rating: PG13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dapatty/pseuds/dapatty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyTuesday5681/pseuds/RubyTuesday5681
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Gerard and Frank were together practically from the time the band started, but Gerard always thought that the band and his relationship with Frank were two separate things. Looking back at it now, he has moments where he thinks they never were. Some days it feels like the two were hopelessly intertwined and Frank leaving Gerard after Gerard left the band was inevitable.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insane and Rising

**Author's Note:**

> Written by RubyTuesday5681. Read by dapatty. 
> 
> Big thanks to akamine_chan, apparentopposite, bdr28, and ms_bitch_to_you for cheerleading and beta help! 
> 
> Podfic contains music interludes.

**Download Links:** [mp3](http://dapatty.parakaproductions.com/Insane%20and%20Rising.mp3) | [podbook](http://dapatty.parakaproductions.com/Insane%20and%20Rising.m4b)

**I am still living with your ghost,  
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast.**

Frank is everywhere.

Frank is everywhere Gerard looks. He’s in everything Gerard sees. Gerard sees Frank’s face every time he closes his eyes.

Gerard hears Frank’s voice in his head whenever it’s too quiet. So Gerard plays loud music whenever he can and sometimes that doesn’t even help because almost every song reminds Gerard of Frank somehow. So Gerard will shut the music off abruptly and in the ringing silence that follows, all Gerard can hear is Frank’s voice, only this time it’s singing. Gerard’s always loved Frank’s singing voice and now he hears it all the fucking time in the back of his mind. Frank’s beautiful harmonies backing up Gerard’s melodies put Gerard to sleep at night with tears drying on his cheeks.

Gerard’s sheets still smell like Frank and so do most of his clothes. Gerard changes to a different detergent and laughs at himself while doing laundry because half of his clothes _are_ Frank’s.

Gerard won’t get rid of Frank’s clothes.

But he has to do something.

Gerard lives through each day having imaginary conversations with an imaginary Frank. He knows exactly what Frank would say to certain things and how he would respond to different situations. It’s almost like Frank never left at all.

Except Frank did leave -- is gone now -- and all Gerard has left are memories that won’t go the fuck away. He can’t get coffee without thinking about the way Frank’s morning kisses taste. Gerard sleeps on the couch because the bed reminds him too much of fucking Frank, but they fucked on the couch all the time, too, and fuck…

Gerard has to get out.

Gerard goes to the grocery store to buy foods that Frank _doesn’t_ like. But when Gerard gets in line, he watches the kid bagging the groceries and all he can think about is when Frank worked at Pathmark and how fucking fast he was.

It’s weird. New Jersey has always been Gerard’s home and he’s always loved it, but now it’s just suffocating him. Frank is more New Jersey than Gerard’s ever been. The state fucking runs in his veins.

Gerard just needs something else now. Something different. Anything.

*_*_*

Gerard’s been to LA before - a bunch of times, actually; mostly just passing through while touring with Mad Gear. He always liked it, though. The bestworst was when a record company had flown them out to talk about recording their fourth album out there. The trip had started out perfect, but in the end…

Well, in the end, they could see that it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t _them_. And that was the beginning of the end.

Frank hated LA. He complained about it even when they were just there for a short time on tour. As much as Frank had been excited at the prospect of recording with a bigger label, he had hated the idea of having to live in LA for months in order to do it.

Exactly one month to the day after the fateful morning when Frank walked out of his life for good, Gerard books a flight to LA.

*_*_*

_**I don’t wanna be your downtime.  
I don’t wanna be your stupid game** _

_There are nights when Frank comes home late after being out partying that Gerard is reminded of how things were before they lived together._

_Gerard remembers late-night booty-calls when Frank was so drunk he almost couldn’t get it up. Gerard always wanted to turn him away, tell him no. He wanted to, but he never could. Because it was Frank. And Frank always smells so good and smiles so sweet and nuzzles Gerard’s neck in just that right way before licking him and nibbling at his ear and then that’s it. Gerard’s toast as soon as Frank’s smart fingers wander up under his shirt._

_Gerard’s always been too damn easy for Frank. That hasn’t changed since Frank moved in with him._

_It wasn’t always just booty-calls. They did go out on dates and spend time together doing other things. And they still do._

_But there are still nights when all Gerard really wants to do is sit at home in his underwear and eat sugary cereal while reading comic books or playing Grand Theft Auto. He doesn’t feel he should have to apologize for this, but he always ends up telling Frank he’s sorry. He’s tired, he can’t handle people right now. And Frank balks at every excuse, but finally just leaves without Gerard and it’s fine._

_It’s totally fine because they have fun when they are out together for their shows. And it’s fine because there _are_ nights when Frank stays in with Gerard and they eat pizza and read comics and watch the original Star Wars trilogy._

_So Gerard is completely fine with it. Really._

_Until Frank comes stumbling up the stairs at ass o’clock in the middle of the night, upright only because his friend Hambone is holding onto him so tightly. Hambone shoves Frank through the door and into Gerard’s arms. Frank’s laughing about something Hambone said downstairs, something about designated drivers, something about AA, Gerard doesn’t know. Hambone is kind of an asshole sometimes. Frank snorts and says he can smell Gerard’s disapproval. Gerard just rolls his eyes and it would be fine, but then Frank starts in complaining about how he had to leave the party early because he had to get home to his ‘old man’. Thank God Hambone ignores him, simply giving Gerard a wave before heading back down the stairs._

_That’s when Frank brings up the comic idea that Gerard had told him about earlier. It was a really epic idea and Frank had been skeptical about it. Now that he’s drunk, he has no filter at all and it doesn’t take long for his ramblings to deteriorate into a giggle fit. Frank’s always been prone to those when something strikes him as absurd. Gerard knows Frank’s really only getting carried away because he’s drunk, but he can’t help but take the display personally. It feels like being laughed at. It’s a few minutes before Frank catches on to the fact that Gee’s pissed._

_Gerard grabs his coat off the hook by the door and shoves his arms into the sleeves. Frank finally stops laughing and looks at Gerard with wide eyes as the color drains from his face._

_Frank pushes forward off the wall he’s been leaning against and begins pawing at Gerard’s jacket. “I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t mean it, Gee,” Frank whines. “Don’t leave.”_

_Gerard shakes his head, hand on the doorknob as he pulls out his cigarettes. “You always say that,” he says, voice low, trying to mask the hurt._

_Frank’s tone rises and Gerard winces. “Because I’m always just teasing.” Frank moves close and leans his head heavily against Gerard’s shoulder. His warm, stale breath stinks of beer and Gerard wrinkles his nose, shoving Frank off him. Frank falls against the wall again, glaring daggers at Gerard._

_Gerard shakes his head. He’s not the one being an asshole right now, but he feels the need to defend himself. “You know I hate it when you act like this. I don’t tell you that shit to amuse you.” Gerard pushes his hair back off his face, frustrated._

_Frank snorts. “You take yourself way too fucking seriously, Gee.”_

_Gerard sighs. There’s nothing he can do with Frank when he’s like this. He says, matter-of-factly, “You are such an asshole. And you’re drunk.” He looks down at the floor momentarily before looking up again and saying, “You’re a drunk asshole.” It’s an observation, not an accusation and Frank knows it. He simply shrugs and holds Gerard’s gaze._

_Gerard opens the door and Frank grabs at his coat sleeve. “Don’t go smoke without me, Gee. You’ll smell so good when you come back and it drives me crazy.”_

_Gerard thinks Frank must _really_ be wasted to admit that he misses smoking. He never does that normally. Gerard feels guilty for about a half a second before he remembers how nasty Frank was being, teasing him just a moment ago. “Come smoke with me then,” he retorts and feels satisfied at the sour look that flickers across Frank’s face._

_“I want to.” Frank’s brow furrows. “But I can’t get that fucking cough again.”_

_Gerard shrugs and shakes Frank’s hand off his sleeve, opening the door all the way. “Go to bed Frank. I’ll be back.”_

_Frank looks crestfallen. It’s nearly tragic in comparison with the glee-filled look he had earlier when he came home laughing and goofing around with Hambone. “I love you.” Frank slaps a hand over his mouth like the words slipped out without his permission._

_If Frank wasn’t so drunk, and Gerard wasn’t already feeling so hurt, he would be pleased by that little slip. It isn’t something Frank says very often and Gerard’s heart usually swells and feels warm when Frank admits it. But not tonight. Gerard knows it’s sincere, but all it makes him feel is angry and confused because if Frank loves him, he should know how much it bothers Gerard when he acts like this. He just keeps doing it, though._

_Gerard takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds. “Drink a glass of water before you pass out. We’re practicing tomorrow. I don’t care how hungover you are.” Gerard just manages to keep himself from slamming the door in Frank’s face which has now gone from dejected to pissed-off in about 0.2 seconds._

_Gerard just has time to see Frank flip him off before the door shuts._

*_*_*

**With my big black boots and an old suitcase,  
I do believe I’ll find myself a new place.**

Gerard packs light. He doesn’t bring much with him to LA.

There actually wasn’t much left in the apartment anyway. After Frank left and took all of his stuff with him, Gerard got rid of most everything that had been theirs because it made him think of Frank.

So Gerard limits himself to one enormous old suitcase. He does leave his mom with a few boxes to send him after he gets a permanent address, but that’s it. 

It doesn’t take him long to find a place. He’s not picky and had some money saved up. He finds a studio a block from the beach in Santa Monica. It doesn’t remind him of Frank at all. 

*_*_*

_**I don’t wanna be the bad guy,  
I don’t wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymore.** _

_“It just didn’t feel right.”_

_“What are you talking about? It was a kickass show.” Frank fumbles around on the bed until he finds Gerard’s hand, threading their fingers together. He brings Gerard’s hand up and licks at it. “You were just as hot as ever.”_

_“No I wasn’t, I-” Gerard shakes his head. “ _I_ didn’t feel right.”_

_It’s silent for a moment before Frank turns on his side to look down at Gerard in the dark. Gerard can just make out Frank’s forehead wrinkled in concern. “What are you talking about, Gee?”_

_“I don’t know. I just- I felt like I was… acting, like I was trying too hard.”_

_Frank runs his fingers through Gerard’s hair gently. “You were just stiff, that’s all. I mean I didn’t notice anything off, but… It’s been a couple months since we played a show and this was last minute. You can’t just expect every show to be easy.”_

_“But it’s never felt like that before. We’ve gone months without playing and then got right back up there and everything just clicked. This was different.”_

_Frank lays back down again beside Gerard, quiet for a few moments before he says softly, “It didn’t feel different to me.”_

*_*_*

**I just wanna see some palm trees.  
I will try to shake away this disease.**

Gerard’s only been in LA for a few weeks, but he already has some new habits. One thing he keeps finding himself doing is sitting on a bench on the pier and staring out at the waves for hours on end. All he’s thinking about is the last six months, trying to figure out how things could have been different, better. His new therapist says this is normal, good even. She says he’s ‘processing his grief.’ 

Gerard supposes that’s okay. He reminds himself it’s actually a big part of the reason he moved all the way out here. One thing is for sure, it’s a hell of a lot easier to think rationally about the band ending when Gerard’s mind isn’t constantly looking for Frank to turn up around every corner. He looks back at the life of the band now and it’s like looking through a different lens. He couldn’t do that while he was still in Jersey because every time he looked back, his memories were all clouded with Frank, Frank, Frank.

Gerard’s therapist says he’s getting ‘perspective.’ And she won’t let him beat himself up about it when it seems like every conversation about the band always somehow manages to wind its way around into being about Frank. Gerard and Frank were together practically from the time the band started, but Gerard always thought that the band and his relationship with Frank were two separate things. Looking back at it now, he has moments where he thinks they never were. Some days it feels like the two were hopelessly intertwined and Frank leaving Gerard after Gerard left the band was inevitable.

*_*_*

Gerard is going to quit smoking soon. He knows he needs to. He won’t smoke in his new apartment because he doesn’t want it to smell like smoke at all. He figures that’ll make it easier for him after he quits.

There is a gigantic palm tree in the tiny courtyard of his apartment complex. It has benches all around it and that’s where he likes to sit while he smokes. He’s taken to meditating while he sits out there. He clears his mind of everything and tries to relax. It’s nice.

Gerard had been wanting to quit smoking for months before he left Jersey. He’s been in LA just over a month and is finally starting to feel like he can do it. He had initially thought he’d quit right away when he get out here, this being a fresh start and all, it made sense to quit. Gerard wasn’t expecting to need it as much as he did, though. Smoking has been like this one last thing that he can count on. Everything else in his life is different now, taking smoking away too soon would have been more than he could handle.

But he’s going to quit soon. Gerard had wanted to start meditating for months before he left Jersey and never could get himself to do it. But he’s doing it now. He figures if he can finally start meditating, then he can finally stop smoking. 

*_*_*

It’s Gerard’s last day of smoking (his pack is almost gone and he’s not going to buy anymore). He’s sitting on the beach and having a moment of clarity as he watches several seagulls devouring someone’s leftover lunch that they pulled out of a trash bin. 

Gerard’s still stuck on the band ending and how everyone ended up getting so hurt.

The worst part of the whole thing, he realizes now, was during the time when Frank had said, ‘Just give it a couple months. Just think about it. Don’t do anything rash.’ And Gerard did. He’d waited. Even though he knew they were done. Well, Gerard knew _he_ was done. The rest of the band would have kept playing until they died if Gerard had wanted and knowing that definitely didn’t make things any easier.

Gerard wishes sometimes that he had just got it over with, ended things right away. If he’d done it fast and clean, it would have been like pulling off a Band-Aid. 

But he waited a couple of months before making the decision final because Frank had asked him to.

And Gerard has always sucked at not doing things that Frank asks him to do.

*_*_*

_**We can live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind, swim out past the breakers, and watch the world die.** _

_“Do you ever want to just leave?” The words slip out, surprising Gerard where he’s lying with his head on Frank’s chest, listening to his heart beat as the sweat cools on their bodies._

_Frank snorts. “Leave what? Leave where?”_

_“Here. All this.” Gerard waves his hand, “Everything.”_

_Frank runs his fingers through Gerard’s hair. “No, not really.” He blows out a breath. “I kinda like all this.” He lights a cigarette, sucking in the smoke in a deep inhale. On the exhale, he says, “Don’t you?”_

_“I guess I do,” Gerard admits. “Most of it, most of the time.”_

_Frank lifts Gerard’s head up and turns his face to raise an eyebrow at him. “Most of it?”_

_Gerard shrugs. “Sometimes I feel… suffocated? I don’t know. Like, maybe I’ve forgotten what all this is for. Sometimes I think maybe my art isn’t as pure as it could be.”_

_“Your art is perfect, Gee. You’re the most sincere artist I’ve ever known.” Frank runs his fingertips down Gerard’s face. Gerard loves the sensation and feels slightly better for a second. “But you overthink it, sometimes.” Gerard sighs and can’t stop the reflex, rolling his eyes. Frank frowns and pushes Gerard’s face away. He takes another drag of his cigarette. “What the fuck do you want me to say, Gee? You want me to lie to you?”_

_“No,” Gerard answers sadly, “Of course not.”_

_“I don’t want to run away. I love our music. I think we’re great. I’m happy with our life.” Frank sounds glib and Gerard can’t help but feel patronized._

_He shakes himself and slides away, over to his side of the bed so their bodies aren’t touching anymore. “Nevermind.” It comes out sounding sullen and pouty and Gerard hears Frank snort again before he puts out his cigarette._

_Frank’s hand lands on his back after a few silent moments. Gerard can tell Frank is testing him. When Gerard doesn’t shake his hand off, Frank moves closer, pressing his face into the back of Gerard’s neck. “It’s fine if you need to get away, Gee. Everyone needs a break sometimes. We can go to Atlantic City, or Virginia Beach, or something. Maybe Rehoboth if you want something quieter.”_

_Gerard sighs. He appreciates that Frank’s trying. He knows it’s totally genuine, but, “That isn’t really what I mean, Frankie.”_

_Frank huffs and backs up a fraction. “Well, I’m sorry then. I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean. I guess my ‘art’ doesn’t reach the same lofty heights of self-reflection that yours does. It just is what it is.”_

_Gerard rolls over to look at Frank, he’s surly now, his eyes cold. “I’m not trying to condescend to you, Frank. This is just how I feel.”_

_“Yeah, well,” Frank turns and lies down on his back, staring up at the ceiling, “maybe you shouldn’t tell me how you feel.”_

_It stings. Gerard knows it was meant to. He doesn’t try to stop it, though, as he hears himself agree. “Yeah. Maybe not.”_

*_*_*

**I am still dreaming of your face,  
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away.**

Daytime is getting easier.

Gerard has been spending hours each day practicing guitar. It’s something he always wished he had more time for in the past. Now he makes the time. It keeps his mind busy and occupied. He still sits and stares at the ocean some, but not as much as he did in his first couple of weeks out here.

He’s been here six weeks and it’s finally starting to feel like maybe this could become home, at least for a while. Gerard’s been clean of cigarettes for four days now which means he’s nearly through the worst of the physical withdrawal.

He’s proud of himself and decides a good reward would be to take a day and go hiking in the mountains. There’s a state park he’s been wanting to check out. It’s a nice day and he takes a lot of pictures. He doesn’t really think about Frank. Well, not too much, anyway.

Yeah, daytime isn’t bad at all.

*_*_*

Nighttime fucking sucks.

Gerard dreams about Frank every single fucking night. And there is not a goddamn thing he can do about it because he’s asleep.

It’s not the same dream every night. And most of the time, it’s more than one dream in the same night.

More than anything else, the dreams are about sex. But it isn’t because Gerard is sexually frustrated or anything like that. He likes sex as much as the next person, but he knows that isn’t what these dreams are really about. That isn’t actually the focus of the dreams. The focus is always on Frank - his face, his body. Gerard dreams about being buried inside Frank and holding Frank’s face in his hands. There is always a lot of kissing in the dreams and it’s always so vivid. Gerard can taste Frank’s mouth again - he wakes up tasting it. He’ll never forget it. Gerard dreams about running his fingers up and down Frank’s arms and chest, tracing all of Frank’s tattoos. He dreams about licking Frank all over, biting his neck, marking him. In the dreams Gerard can hear Frank’s moans, the way he says Gerard’s name when he comes. Gerard wakes up with that sound ringing in his ears. In the dreams, Gerard jerks Frank off slow and steady and while he does, he whispers in Frank’s ear, “I love you,” over and over again. During sex was one of the few times Gerard ever really felt safe to say that. He’s never understood why. 

A lot of the dreams are about the time after sex - when it’s quiet and calm and Frank and Gerard are just lying in bed together, talking about everything and nothing, cuddling and touching each other gently as they come down. Those dreams are never vivid like the sex dreams where everything is bright and sharp-edged - almost too real to be real. The after sex dreams are always sort of hazy. Gerard feels like they’re floating in the dream. It’s like they’re up in the clouds somewhere and it’s dark and safe and warm and it’s just them. And nothing can hurt them. 

The worst dreams are the ones that start out seeming so fucking real. In the dreams, Gerard is in LA. It’s a normal day and he’s going about his business and then Frank will turn up somewhere. He’ll be sitting at a table in Starbucks, or on a bench on the pier, or on Gerard’s bench under his palm tree. And Gerard will get the biggest grin on his face and feel so happy because Frank is _there_. And then Gerard wakes up and Frank isn’t there. Of course Frank isn’t there. Frank hates LA. That’s why Gerard came here. No reminders of Frank. No memories.

But Gerard still remembers.

A couple of times, Gerard dreams that Frank has died. He wakes up sobbing. 

Every night is an endless stream of various visions of Frank. Gerard tosses and turns and wakes up a little bit in-between, but he can’t make them stop. Sometimes, when he’s being honest with himself, he thinks that maybe he doesn’t want them to stop. Because if Gerard keeps dreaming about Frank, then it’s like they’re never really over. Right?

*_*_*

It’s been years since Gerard’s been to AA. He doesn’t really even have a sponsor anymore. 

He had started drinking again, a little bit, near the end of things with Mad Gear. Letting go of the band was like letting a part of himself die. The drinking again was sort of like… an old friend he could rely on to lessen the pain. An old friend who also happened to be a terrible influence; but still, it helped Gerard get through.

Two months after moving to LA and things have been going pretty well. Gerard hasn’t smoked in almost three weeks, and he’s been meditating every day. He’s still going to therapy every week, but he’s started having panic attacks. He’d had attacks like this all the time back when he first got clean. It was easier then, though, because he always had Frank. Frank would hold him and rub his back and rock him and sing to him. Anything he needed, Frank was there.

Gerard didn’t know how good he’d had it.

He knows it now, though, because Frank isn’t here now.

He wants to call Frank. He wants to so desperately and he doesn’t know what to do, whether he should or not. He doesn’t want to make everything worse.

Gerard goes out for a walk to clear his mind and finds himself in front of a bar. It’s right there, two blocks from his house. It would be so easy to just go in and have one drink, or two. And he’d stop shaking. He’d feel calm and wouldn’t be so desperate to talk to Frank.

Gerard isn’t sure how long he stands there before he turns around and walks himself back to his apartment complex and sits down under his palm tree. He looks up AA on his phone and finds a meeting starting in an hour within walking distance.

*_*_*

Being in AA again is strange. It feels familiar and safe, but at the same time, Gerard can’t help but feel a bit like he’s gone backwards. He doesn’t think he should need this level of support again after being clean for so many years. And yet… he wasn’t really clean, not for the last year of the band, at least. He hates admitting that to himself. He hates thinking of it that way. Mad Gear was stressing him out long before they officially called it quits. And as much as he wants to rationalize it all away, a drink here and a joint there _does_ count. Going to that first meeting and telling everyone that he’s an alcoholic and it’s been eight weeks since his last drink nearly kills him. But that’s what he does.

He gets a new sponsor and starts going to meetings again. He goes almost every day when the anxiety sets in and he starts asking himself what the fuck he’s doing out here - why the hell he had to leave his whole life behind and move across the country in order to feel better about things. Sometimes he isn’t sure if he really does feel better at all. His rational mind knows he does, but when it gets toward evening and Gerard starts to think about sleeping… about dreaming, well, that’s when he misses Frank the most.

“My name is Gerard, and I’m an alcoholic.” Gerard gives a little nervous wave.

“Hi, Gerard.”

Gerard’s talked to his group some before. Several of the people are familiar. They know he’s an artist and just moved here from New Jersey a couple months ago. He hasn’t told them much other than that before today, but the dreams have really been getting to him. He can’t cope with it on his own anymore. After waking up in a cold sweat again this morning, he knows he needs to talk about it. Missing Frank is the thing making him crave drinking the most and these people will understand that.

He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if I ever told you guys that I’m also a musician. I used to be in a band, but we broke up,” Gerard pauses, thinking, “almost six months ago. And then a couple months later my boyfriend left me. Frank and I were together almost as long as the band was together. The band was together for eight years, so… I guess Frank and I were together for almost eight years.” Gerard swallows. “And I really miss him. I miss Frank. I mean, I miss the band, too, but not in the same way. I’m okay with the band being over, but I didn’t really want to break up with Frank. I love him. He was with me when I first got sober. He got me through it. I know I couldn’t have done it without him. And then I relapsed when the band was ending and he got _so mad_ at me.” Gerard snorts, remembering Frank’s righteous indignation when he found out Gerard had been smoking pot again. At the time, Gerard had been convinced Frank was angrier that Gerard had done it _without Frank_ than that he’d done it at all. 

Gerard shakes his head. “Anyway. That isn’t why we broke up, not really, we just… I guess we’re too different. I guess the band was holding us together more than I thought it was and then without that, well… then we kept looking for reasons to stay together and just couldn’t find any.” Gerard scratches his head and stops his mind from sticking on that depressing thought. He keeps talking. He needs to get this out or he’ll just implode, completely fall apart from it. “I still really _miss_ him, though, is the thing. And I keep wanting to call him. And I don’t know if I should.”

Gerard blows out a breath and stops there, looking around at the faces in the room that he’d been avoiding looking at while he was talking.

A guy with a lip ring sitting across the circle from him speaks up. “If you call him, what is it you want to say?”

Gerard bites his lip as he considers. He doesn’t actually know what he wants to say to Frank. “I guess I want to hear his voice and tell him I miss him.”

“Do you want to get back together with him?” a younger girl asks.

Gerard starts to shake his head but then stops abruptly and shrugs. “I don’t know. I know I don’t want to move back to New Jersey, not yet anyway. Maybe? I guess I want to know how he feels about it. I talk to my brother a lot and he says Frank hasn’t dated anyone else, so… I don’t know. I don’t know if he’d even want to try again.”

“Was he a good boyfriend?” the guy asks again.

“I guess he was, sometimes.” Gerard sighs. “Not always.”

“Well, you broke up for a reason, right?” the guy next to him asks. Gerard nods. “So you need to figure out if the two of you can work on whatever it was that caused the breakup to begin with.” Gerard starts to open his mouth to agree, but the guy cuts him off, continuing with, “and you can’t know if it’s even worth thinking through all that unless you know if Frank wants to try again. And to find that out, you have to call him.”

“Which you already know,” the younger girl adds in.

“Yeah,” Gerard admits. “I guess I did know that.”

The girl smiles at him. “It’s okay. Sometimes you just need other people to confirm what you already know. You should call him. And even if he’s getting over you and doesn’t want to try again, well,” she shrugs, “you’re still clean for ten weeks now. And you’re working on changing your life and being a better artist. Not being with Frank won’t take that away from you.”

Gerard feels a smile start to form on his face for the first time in days. “Yeah,” he breathes out. “You’re right.”

“Right,” the lip-ring guy says. “So you can call him and you don’t have to feel like so much is riding on it. You guys were together for eight years. Even if you didn’t want to try again, you can call him just to see how he’s doing. There’s nothing weird about that.”

Gerard takes a deep breath. “Okay. Yeah, okay. Thanks, everyone.” He looks around and tries to make eye-contact to show his genuine thanks and then forces himself to listen as someone else shares their story. 

*_*_*

**I don’t wanna be your good time.  
I don’t wanna be your fallback crutch anymore.**

Frank answers on the second ring. This is a good sign because Frank doesn’t usually answer his phone at all, let alone right away. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Gerard blows out the breath he’s been holding since finally making the decision to call.

It’s silent for a few seconds before Frank says, “How’s LA?”

“It’s okay,” Gerard answers automatically before quickly saying, “I mean, no, it’s good. I like it. I like it here.”

“So you’re happy?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m getting there. I’m working on it.”

Too quickly, Frank says, “Huh.” It’s a noncommittal sound, but Gerard can tell Frank’s feeling something he won’t say, which is typical. Then all the reasons why things ended between them suddenly come flooding back into Gerard’s brain. Gerard bites his lip, wondering if this was a mistake.

“So what have you been up to?” Frank asks, almost sounding like he’s really interested, like he really cares.

“Not a lot, actually. Taking it easy, I guess.” Frank snorts on the other end of the line, but Gerard keeps going, trying to make something of the conversation. “I’ve been playing a lot, guitar I mean. Every day, for like… hours.”

“Cool.”

Frank’s tone is brighter and Gerard is encouraged. “Umm, I’ve been doing a lot of hiking, and meditating, although,” Gerard scratches his head, “I know you think that’s silly. But anyway, yeah. And therapy, and AA.”

“I don’t think it’s silly.”

“Sure you do.”

“No, I mean… I don’t _get_ it, but you should do it if you want to. You shouldn’t-”

“It’s okay.” Gerard interrupts, not wanting to be accused of acting like he’s better than Frank. “I guess it really is a personal thing. I shouldn’t, like, brag about it. It isn’t a big deal.”

“No that’s not bragging, Gee. I asked you what you’ve been doing.”

“You were being polite.”

“No, I…” Frank breathes out a frustrated huff of air. “I fucking…” Frank cuts himself off sounding defeated. He starts again with “So, therapy? That’s good. And AA?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s going really well. No drinking, or pot.” It suddenly feels really important that Frank know Gerard’s serious about staying clean now. “Nothing since I’ve been out here.”

“That’s awesome, Gee. I mean it. That’s great.” Frank’s voice is soft when he says, “I’m really proud of you.”

“Me, too.” Gerard can’t help but agree. “I’m proud of me, too.”

It’s silent for a few seconds as Gerard tries to remind himself of the purpose of this call. He thinks on the words for a while before he says them because he’s making himself vulnerable to Frank by saying them and that’s scary. Being in LA has meant he hasn’t had to do that. But he thinks Frank is worth it. “I miss you.”

Frank’s response is instant. “I miss you, too.”

The words sound so sweet but Gerard just can’t accept it, it’s too easy. “You miss the band.”

“No, fuck you! I fucking miss you, Gerard.” Frank sounds like he might be crying a little bit, which is highly unusual. “I can always start another band.”

“Yeah, that’s what I heard. Didn’t waste much time on that, did you?” Gerard thinks back to how much it had stung when Mikey had told him Frank already had a new project going.

“Gerard, you know me. You know I can’t not make music.”

Gerard sighs. “I know.”

“Why did you call?” It’s just like Frank to be blunt, to ask the pointed questions. Gerard should have expected it.

“I wanted to hear your voice.” Gerard cringes to himself as he says it, because it sounds so romantic and silly. He suddenly feels like maybe… maybe Frank understands.

“Yeah.” Frank breathes out a long sigh. “I’m glad you called.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. When- um… shit. Do you think you’re coming back?”

The question startles Gerard. He didn’t see that coming at all. “Frank, I-” He coughs. “I don’t know. I might-” Gerard steels himself. He has to be honest. “I might stay out here for a while.”

There’s a long pause and Gerard realizes Frank must not have been expecting that. “Oh.”

“It’s just, I think it’s good for me. It’s been really good for me, to be away, you know?”

“I guess.”

“Jersey is just so… there’s just so many memories. Out here, it’s all… everything’s new. It’s nice.” Gerard doesn’t think he’s explaining himself very well, but he wants to try to make Frank understand.

Eventually, Frank says, “I wish you had told me you were so unhappy with things.”

“I think I tried, Frank.”

“Yeah.” Frank blows out a breath, making static. “I guess you probably did.” Gerard can hear Frank swallow. “But maybe if, if you’d said something sooner.” 

“I tried, Frankie. I mean, maybe I wasn’t clear, but I think you-” He coughs again. “I think you just weren’t ready to hear it.”

“I was never gonna be ready for that, Gee.”

“I know. I really am sorry.” Gerard feels like he’s apologized a thousand times, but the feeling never goes away. He is sorry. He’ll always be sorry. He knows ending the band was the right thing to do, but he’ll never stop being sorry that it was so hard on everyone else.

“I know you are.” Frank’s voice is tender. “It’s okay. It fucking sucks, but we’re all gonna get over it. We’ll be okay, eventually.” It’s the most reasonable that Frank’s ever been about the band ending. Gerard guesses it makes sense, Frank just needed more time. He’s never done well with change.

“I still love you, Frank.” It surprises Gerard that he says it so easily. He immediately knows it’s true through, and rushes to add, “I never stopped.”

“I know, Gee. I’ve talked to Mikey, too, you know?”

“Yeah, of course, but, how do… how do you feel?” Gerard suddenly really needs to know what Frank’s thinking, if there’s a chance…

Frank makes an angry aborted moaning sound. “I really fucking want you to come home.”

“Frank, I can’t.” Gerard shakes his head. “Not yet. Not for a while.”

Frank breathes silently for a few seconds before he says, “Okay.”

Gerard is at a loss. They’re at an impasse again, just like always. “Is it harder… if I call you? I mean, I won’t call again if it just makes it worse-”

“No!” Frank cuts him off. “No, I want you to call again. I want to talk to you.”

“Yeah?”

Frank laughs a tiny little chuckle. “Yeah, I do.”

*_*_*

**I’ll walk right out into a brand new day,  
Insane and rising in my own weird way.**

Gerard hikes three times a week now. It feels amazing, really fucking amazing. He’s found some incredible trails that go right by the ocean. He stops and just looks at it sometimes, sometimes for hours. He’ll find a place to sit down and meditate. The fresh, cool breeze blows against his face and he feels calmer than he has in years; maybe calmer than he’s ever felt in his life.

He’s been in LA for almost three months now and he has days sometimes where he’ll wake up and feel like a different person. It’s good, though. At first it was weird, getting used to LA being ‘home’ and the weather being so fucking nice all the time. It was like living someone else’s life at first. But now it’s good. Gerard can catalog the changes and they’re all for the better. He feels younger. It’s odd because lately he’s been noticing more gray hairs and wrinkles, but it doesn’t make him feel depressed. It makes him smile. Some days he wakes up and all he can do is thank the Universe for giving him another chance; a chance to be something different, to do something else.

His therapist says everyone deserves that and Gerard has almost stopped feeling guilty about it.

He’s only going to AA twice a week now, with a call to his sponsor in between meetings. It’s working. It feels good. This time around, he doesn’t feel resentful about giving up his problems to a higher power. He used to. He always hated that part in the past, but now… Now it’s just a relief.

He plays guitar every day for a good three or four hours, and with the time that’s left, he creates other things. He plays around with comics ideas just for fun, and he draws and paints. He doesn’t have any special plan right now for what he’s trying to do. There’s no grand vision guiding his work. Not that it’s wrong to create based on a vision, it just isn’t where he’s at as an artist right now. Right now he simply lets his energy lead him, lets it flow through him and loves seeing what comes out of it. It feels completely honest. It’s what he’d been missing for a long time. 

*_*_*

**I don’t wanna be the bad guy,  
But I don’t wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymore.**

“I think you should come home for a visit.” Gerard can hear the smile in Frank’s voice as he says it and marvels at the fact that after just a few phone calls they can talk to each other like friends again. He revels in it, Frank’s voice sounding happy.

“Two more months, Frankie. I told you that.”

“I know. I was just hoping maybe you’d change your mind now that we’re talking more again.” Frank sounds disappointed, but not overly so. It’s a good sign. “Why are you so set on six months anyway?”

“I don’t know. It just seems like a good amount of time. I feel like I’ll be really settled here by then.” Gerard leans farther back into his newly acquired couch and looks out the window at the blue sky. “I’ll feel stronger or something. I’m just afraid if I go back too early, I won’t be ready, won’t be able to handle it because I know it’ll be hard, emotionally. You know?”

“Yeah, I know.” Frank sounds resigned. “I miss you, though. Two months is a long time.”

“You could always come and visit me.”

“Ha!” Frank barks out a laugh. “Yeah, no. I don’t think so.”

Gerard takes a deep breath and fights the urge to get irritated. It bothers him that Frank won’t even consider coming to see him, but he knows that arguing won’t change Frank’s mind once he’s made it up. Gerard is serious about trying again with Frank and he’s going to learn from what happened before. Frank is who he is. If they have even half a chance at making things work at all, let alone long-distance, then Gerard needs to finally accept that. “Two more months, then,” Gerard says, evenly.

“You think you can make it that long without me?” Frank asks, a seductive edge in his voice.

“Oh I know I can.” Gerard says, confidently, “I’ve made it this long.” He softens a bit, his voice quieter. “I do miss you, though.”

“I know, Gee. I’m sorry.” Frank’s quick intake of breath gives him away. He obviously hadn’t meant to say that.

Gerard waits a few seconds to see if Frank will try and backtrack before he asks, “About what?”

Frank blows out a long breath. “I don’t know.” He sounds genuinely confused. “Everything? I guess… I know I didn’t make it easy for you. I thought I could keep you from changing if I just fought hard enough.”

Oh, that. Gerard never in a million years would have thought he’d ever hear Frank apologize for that. As gently as possible, he says, “It doesn’t work like that, though. Sometimes people need to change to grow.” He’s unbelievably impressed with Frank voicing these feelings, but he refuses to handwave it all away. Frank _did_ make it hard for him, unfairly so at times.

“Yeah, I get that now.” Frank clucks his tongue a few times. “I hear how good you sound now and I feel like such a shit for trying to stop you from changing.”

“Frankie.” Gerard feels like crying.

“I was just fucking scared, is all. Because I think I knew.” Frank’s words come out sounding tortured. “I knew from the way you talked, you were going to change and I wouldn’t fit anymore. And I listen to you now and it’s just so fucking obvious.”

Gerard takes a moment to just breathe and wipe at the fresh tears on his cheeks. “What’s obvious?”

“Ugh!” Gerard can hear how hard this is for Frank. “It’s obvious that I’m not right… I don’t make sense for you anymore. You’re all set now with your new things and it’s not… I’m not like you.” It’s silent for a second before he adds, “Maybe I never was.”

“Frank!” Gerard feels alarmed now. He doesn’t know how the conversation took this turn. “Frank I _love_ you.”

“I know that!” Frank practically yells. After a few seconds his voice is calmer when he says, “But people can love each other and still not be right for each other.”

Gerard tries to steady his breathing before he speaks again. “I guess that’s true, but I still think we can be right for each other. I really do.”

“Yeah?” Frank sounds so unsure it breaks Gerard’s heart a little bit.

“I don’t want you to change, Frank. I love you just like you are, the way you’ve always been. I know there were times when I made you feel like you weren’t good enough, but I was wrong to do that. I shouldn’t have made you feel that way.”

“But what if you were right?”

“I wasn’t,” Gerard says, angry at his past self, finally admitting that Frank leaving was partly his fault for making Frank feel alienated.

Eventually, Frank asks, “How can you be so sure?”

“I don’t know. I just am.” Gerard says, easily. “I love you, Frank. And I want you, just like you are.”

Frank snorts, wry laughter in his voice as he says, “Well, I think you’re crazy.”

Gerard huffs out a little laugh. “Well, yeah.”

*_*_*

**I just wanna feel some sunshine.  
I just wanna find someplace to be alone.**

Gerard loves solitude. That’s been one of the best things about moving out here. He doesn’t really have local friends yet, so his days are pretty much all his own. He intends to make friends at some point but for now it’s still nice to only have to worry about himself.

Another great thing about LA is the sunshine. It’s so fucking dependable and Gerard can’t get used to it. Almost every single day, the sun comes out and Gerard can go sit in it and feel his whole body being warmed from the inside. It’s amazing.

Gerard sits in the sun on the beach and watches the waves crashing. It’s hypnotic. He stares for a long time and then meditates for a little while before letting his mind wander. He thinks about the painting he’s working on. He thinks about where the AA meeting is that he’s going to tonight. He thinks about going by Starbucks on his way home. He thinks about maybe getting a dog. Frank would like that. As usual, his thoughts come back around to Frank. His therapist tells him that’s okay. As long as he has other things in his life that make him happy, it’s okay if he thinks about Frank the most. Apparently that’s normal when you’re in love with someone. 

Gerard thinks about what kind of dog he’d like to get - nothing too big, since he still doesn’t really know where he’s going to end up. He thinks Frank would be fine with that because Frank likes small dogs. As much as Gerard enjoys being alone, he thinks having a dog would be nice. It would be nice to have someone around, someone to greet him when he gets home.

Gerard laughs at himself when he has the thought that maybe after he’s had a dog for a good six months, if it’s going well, then maybe he can start thinking about one day living with Frank again. He thinks AA would be proud. Then he remembers that he’s supposed to start with a plant and resolves to get one first thing tomorrow.

*_*_*

**We could live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind, swim out past the breakers, and watch the world die.**

Five months after moving to LA, Gerard wakes up to a text message from Frank.

_Do you have any big plans for today?_

Gerard rubs at his eyes, yawning and bewildered before replying.

_No, nothing that I can think of_

Frank replies within minutes.

_Okay, good. Because my flight arrives at LAX at 4. Can you meet me at the airport?_

Gerard gapes at the phone for a full minute before shaking his head several times to dislodge the sleepiness and convince himself that this is not one of his masochistic dreams. Once he’s certain that he’s awake, he replies. 

_Yes, of course!_

Frank’s reply is nearly instant.

_Good. Boarding now. I love you._

Gerard feels a grin spread across his face and a happiness settle into his heart, deeper than he’s felt in years. He texts back quickly. 

_I love you, too._


End file.
